We’ve all seen the commercials about depression that shows a shadowy figure lurking and pulling at a person as they wear a smiling mask trying to hide their sadness behind it. We’ve heard the description of depression as an all-consuming thing that takes over every aspect of a person’s life until they become nothing but their depression.
And for some people, that may be true. Their depression may be like an unseen force pulling at them, it may be a cold blanket they wrap around themselves until they cannot break free.
For me depression is apathy. It’s an inability to care. It’s letting basic things slide because I don’t see the point in doing them. It’s not reading a book I’ve been anxiously awaiting for weeks because I can’t focus on the words on the page. It’s getting frustrated at my toddler for being a regular two-year-old child. It’s getting upset with my partner for wanting attention and affection when I just want to be left alone.
Right now, it’s wondering why the hell I bother taking five different pills every day to feel better when I’m starting to forget how to feel anything at all.
Depression is a strange thing. It’s writing six blog posts in one night because you’re feeling good knowing fully well you may forget to post them tomorrow because you just don’t care and don’t remember why you wanted to write in the first place.
It’s eating too much one day and forcing yourself to eat anything the next. It’s knowing you need to shower but wondering why you should bother so you throw your hair up in a ponytail and hope you don’t smell.
Mostly, depression is being alone. Alone with your thoughts, alone with the few feelings that break through the numbness, alone with yourself even when you’re surrounded by people. It’s being so alone you wish you remembered how to reach out to someone but not wanting to bother them with your problems because you know you’re just being ridiculous and it will pass eventually. Probably.
The last few weeks I’ve noticed myself slipping back into depression and I’m struggling to stay clear. I’m fighting tooth and nail to remind myself of everything I’m living for and all of the good in my life. Mostly I’m counting down the days until I see my shrink again and we can adjust my medication because clearly it isn’t working right anymore and I’m sick and tired of feeling so little and knowing how broken that it.