Being Mental, Ramblings, Random Musings of a Crazy Mind

I Like Drugs

Hi, my name is Allie and I like drugs.

Nope, this isn’t me admitting to some deep, dark problem. It’s just the reality of my life. I like drugs.

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I’m not talking about street drugs that will get you five to ten in a minimum security prison. I’m talking about the expensive stuff that I only have access to thanks to government-supplied insurance and a group of doctors who probably take my mental well-being more seriously than I do.

A couple years ago I got serious about my mental health for about three months and got a psychiatric evaluation done that basically said everything I already knew but gave me enough legitimacy to finally start medication.

I’ve had an on-again-off-again relationship with anti-depressants for the last decade. They either seemed to have no effect on me, lasted only a short while before my depression came back stronger than ever, or made me out of control in scary shave-your-head way.* Because of all the fun testing I learned this is because I’m Bipolar which basically means I was treating the depression allowing the mania to come out and play full force. While fun, mania is probably more dangerous to someone like me than depression.

When I finally started medicating for both it was light a switch in my brain flipped and I realized how normal people must feel. That lasted all of three months until I had a sudden allergic reaction that led to my entire body covered in an itchy rash that didn’t go away until I’d fully weaned from the medication. My claw marks had claw marks.

But here’s the thing, if I was told that was the only medication ever in existence to help me stave off depression and feel like normal even just for a few months at a time before I broke out in full-body hives, I’d do it. The side effect was terrible but living with crippling depression that steals the joy from every day without even hope of ever getting out of it is terrifying.

My name is Allie and I like drugs. I like the way my drugs make me feel normal. I like that I get find enjoyment in being silly with my toddler. I like that I can leave my house and do things without weeks of mental preparation leading up to it. So yeah, I like drugs and you know what, if you were me you’d like them too.

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