Ramblings, Random Musings of a Crazy Mind

My Mom Tried to Send Me Porn

It’s not a smatlzy statement when I say my mom is my best friend. I actually talk to her more than I talk to anyone as a rule, except maybe the two-year-old. We have crazy, winding, hard-to-follow conversations that usually get me a raised eyebrow and questioning looks when I’m overheard on the phone with her.

But there are some conversations you should just not have with your mother. And I’ve had all of them. On the bright side, there’s literally nothing I can’t share with my mom. On the negative side, there’s literally nothing my mom won’t share with me.

Here’s some of the random conversations we’ve had recently:

  • While discussing my review of The Red she admitted she once watched a beastility porn with a dog and offered to send it to me because it was hysterical. I passed on her offer and may never be the same again. I never wanted to think of my mom watching porn, let alone weird porn.
  • We once had a conversation about homosexual animals and she declares that it’s probably only male animals who are homosexual because they just like sticking it things.
  • When discussing the awesome pee control side effect of having a baby she suggests I have more orgasms because it can help to prevent peeing myself. Pretty sure a normal mom would just tell me to do Kegals* but not mine!
  • We once did a whole research project on suicide for no reason at all.
  • Drugs — the good  ones, the bad ones, suggesting ones I should ask my doctor to try. I bet most kids can honestly say they’ve never had multiple conversations with their mother about drugs but I can!

Honestly, all of this makes me pretty damn lucky. There is literally nothing I can’t talk to my mother about. When I’m feeling on the edge she can talk me down, when I’m so far down I can count on her to help me drag my way back out of the hole. She’s there, all the time, for whatever I need.

Recently my mom jokingly said it was a good thing she didn’t have any minor kids in the house because the things I say in my blog about her make her look a little unhinged (this may be true but she is a little unhinged) and she would be at risk of losing her kids. I say that anyone who tried to take a kid away from my mom would have a hell of a fight on their hands.

My sisters and I were blessed with someone who has always worked hard to understand us and make us the best people we can be. None of us went through the “My mother just doesn’t understand me and I hate her!” phase because if she didn’t understand she did everything she could to understand.

It’s why, now, as an adult I don’t go more than a few days without talking to her. It’s why we can have conversations about porn, and smut, and homosexual animals without it being too awkward.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go look up if female animals are also homosexual or if it’s just the male need to stick their penis in something. (EDIT: Female animals are also homosexual and that argument that being gay is against the laws of nature is officially bullshit.)

*My mom made me come back and edit spelling and grammar errors. Because she loves me and is kind of bossy. But mostly because she loves me.

 

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